


You're a Mean One, Mr Noah

by Infinity_Wizard



Category: Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Drama, Comedy, Deconstruction, Drama, Gen, Reality TV damages you as it turns out, Teenagers are confused and angry creatures, Who's the real villain of the story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infinity_Wizard/pseuds/Infinity_Wizard
Summary: In a twist, Chris allows Noah in addition to Courtney join Total Drama Action midseason. Unbeknownst to the competitors, Noah has secretly been hired to act as Chris' personal mole/villain to stir up drama and ratings. After nothing but wasted time and humiliation in Season One, the bookworm finally believes he has a shot at getting some revenge and making this whole competition worthwhile. But like all things, even villainy comes at a price, and as the competition reaches its climax, Noah and the competitors must come to grips with the reality that TV stardom isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Still, someone has to win the million, might as well be Noah...right?
Kudos: 8





	You're a Mean One, Mr Noah

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was originally uploaded to fanfiction to celebrate the announcement that Total Drama was getting two more proper seasons. I kind of forgot I had AO3, but since I do, I might as well publish it here as well. Basic run-down, this ain't a typical competition fic as some of the tags probably already informed you. It's a deconstruction about how being on a reality show like Total Drama would actually affect the emotional mindset of a group of teenagers. Less of a focus on comedy and more the psychology and motivation of the cast. Less stereotypes and more what's underneath the exterior. No cut-away gas to confessionals in this fic, because it's not meant to be portrayed like a TV show we're watching but rather a story from the cast's perspective, including what goes on behind the cameras. Noah is the focus but won't be the only POV character as you'll soon find out. I have no idea when this will update but we'll see I guess. Also, because this is a serious fic involving teenagers from the early 2000s, expect the exact opposite of political correctness. Not because I condone any of it or because I'm trying to be edgy, but because I'm trying to accurately reflect how people like Duncan would think and act. Let me tell you, he ain't going to refrain from saying some nasty stuff and his POV will definitely contain a lot of cursing. I promise you there's a point to it and will always put warnings in the notes. Anyways, enjoy and leave a comment if you have any thoughts. 
> 
> Content Warning: The following chapter contains homophobic rhetoric and slurs in addition to slut-shaming language. Also, a lot of cussing.

Death would be sweet right about now.

Noah grimaced as he waited impatiently behind the bank set, bored out of his brains. He was wasting his time away by picking at the peeling wallpaper, desperately trying to vent his fluctuating frustrations with his current situation. Despite all of his protests and better judgment he'd been roped back into another season of Total Drama. AKA Pain, humiliation and more pain.

Noah really couldn't care less about this stupid show anymore. That's what he told himself over and over again anyway, and yet he was the only one to blame for his current predicament. In the end he had said yes, he had consented and agreed to the terms and conditions. He stared into the abyss and he blinked first. There was no one else to blame this time but himself. In the end he'd given in to his own selfish desires – he had made his bed and now he had to lay in it, most likely kicking and screaming the entire time though.

_Life, why do you hate me?_

He wasn't like Courtney; he was her complete opposite in a sense. She'd become monstrously obsessed with getting back onto the show and getting some sort of proverbial "justice" for how she was eliminated last season. That was how one sued Chris McLean; not for reckless endangerment as you'd presume based on watching the show. No, that would have made far too much sense! We can't have that. You simply sued Chris McLean for letting someone fudge the results of a ballot vote. The very fact she got him for that and that alone was somehow the worst part of the whole shebang. Did being a television show host somehow make one immune to health and safety laws?

Case in point, Noah wasn't like Courtney. He truly didn't care about "revenge" or "justice" or whatever. Getting back onto the show to simply prove a point or to satisfy one's inflated ego was just that, petty egotism. He on the other hand simply didn't care for such things.

Or perhaps, _hadn't cared_ would be a better way to put it all.

Unlike Courtney, Noah _originally_ (key word here) had actively despised the thought of being brought back. He'd learnt his lesson after last season after all. Auditioning for the show may have been the worse thing he'd ever done. Not only was he humiliated on international television, he also had wasted so much of his time just sitting around because his stupid contract forbade him from properly returning to civilisation until the show was over. Sure, Player Des Losers was nice, but if he wanted a holiday he'd _go_ on a holiday. He also got carted around like a circus animal on that ridiculous Aftermath Show and didn't even get to do anything on it anyway. His job was to sit in the peanut gallery and wave at the camera at the start of the episode and then react to whatever nonsensical bullshit was happening. At least Geoff and Bridgette were actually getting paid to be there. Paid!

_Lucky bastards,_ he'd always curse in thought.

It was all a farce if he'd ever seen one. He was pretty sure the Aftermath Show existed purely for the producers to make even more money. Wait, scratch that, this is the entertainment industry – of course it only exists to make money! Even the good stuff only exists to make money.

_Fucking capitalism!_

God, reality was depressing…

Worst part was that despite how cynical and pointless the Aftermath Show was, it clearly drew in an audience and ranked high on ratings charts. People were apparently very willing to blindly consume a crappy show that barely constituted a spin-off. Go-fucking-figure. If Noah slammed his head into a wall for every stupid thing that had happened over the past few months then he'd probably have brain damage by now. If he had to sit through one more "That's gonna leave a mark" montage, he was going to take a page out of Eva's book and snap and kill someone.

He just wished he could leave Total Drama behind and get back to his life already! He was doing nothing but sitting around all day waiting impatiently for the show to finally end. And it's not like he had the best company. Thank god Harold was still on the show, the ginger had attached himself to Noah like a leech after he got booted last season and Noah was fairly certain he'd contemplated smothering the boy in his sleep far too many times for his liking. Sure, Eva wasn't too bad but he felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells around the woman, and Izzy seemed to exist purely to make his blood pressure skyrocket.

It was kind of a miracle that he hadn't committed first-degree murder at some point during all of this. Or thrown himself out a window. Both were surprisingly enticing options...

Still, there was no one he abhorred more though than Chris "The Creep" McLean, who'd managed to stretch one season into two. He was honestly starting to suspect Chris had somehow orchestrated all the events in the Season One Special to lead to this, but he really couldn't figure out how the host could somehow ensure a shark would eat a briefcase full of money. And then have an octopus of some sort show up to consume the shark to doubly ensure the money could not be recovered. It was far too elaborate and convoluted even by Chris' standards. God apparently just felt like handing the psychopath a freebie that day.

What was worse though was that somehow, Noah, despite all his misgivings, had been coerced into returning to the show in the end. He partially blamed Miss "I was a CIT" for this too, if only because she started the chain reaction that lead to this clusterfuck of a situation. Courtney's lawsuit had (somehow) been successful and Chris was VERY reluctantly allowing her back onto the show now. But the maniac-disguised-as-a-host wasn't going to let the girl walk away with the last laugh. So he devised a plan to give her the metaphorical finger, and that was to bring someone else back too.

Noah had been the (un)lucky candidate in the end.

Apparently the nerd had become a sort of cult fan-favourite contestant despite his limited screen time in season one. His snarky and cynical comments had found an audience and he proved to be popular amongst the most die-hard Total Drama fans. A part of Noah appreciated this; apparently _some_ folks did indeed have good taste out there! But at the same time, he also found that he didn't really care. Fame meant nothing to him; it was about as meaningless to him as Chris was a decent human being – none at all. He came onto the show to win money, not kick-start a career in television or have crazy fans stalk him.

Or for people to write smut about him! Man, some of those fanfics were weird with a capital W! He was a real person dammit, not a fictional character! He and Izzy were not a couple no matter how much smut people wrote about them!

Additionally, Noah had seen first-hand what television could do to one's image. His incredible reluctance to return to the show had partially been because he knew now how much you could get screwed over depending on how the editors decided to portray you. He'd already been a victim of this very issue in season one.

Noah was eliminated third last season, but the edit he received was the real killing blow here. Most of what the viewing audience saw of the bookworm was his sarcastic quips and his unyielding stubbornness in the dodge ball episode. This was very much solid proof of how "Reality TV" was anything but. It was a distortion of truth because editors were specifically choosing what to show and what not to show. Noah was depicted as rather friendless, not ever showing any real bond with the other campers at all. By the time the season ended, he was suddenly paired with Eva and Izzy – "friendships" that were forged at the Playa off-screen. But he did have acquaintances during his time on the show – they just decided not to air _that_ footage.

That would make him look like a real and reasonable person and we can't have that! People might sympathise with him otherwise and the people need someone to hate other than Heather. Who needs the truth when you have the _allure_ of truth, am I right?

_Fucking assholes._

Noah actually had hit it off surprisingly well with Owen in the beginning, mainly because the boy was just oblivious enough to not take much of the bookworm's snipes and scathing insults to heart. He assumed Noah was explicitly joking all the time and thus was often laughing along with him. Noah in a sense actually quite detested the large boy, but found quickly over the first few days that he weirdly enjoyed Owen's company. Perhaps he appreciated having someone optimistic around to balance out his cynicism. It didn't really matter though. The editors or the producers or whoever decided this wasn't important, and so none of his and Owen's friendship really made it into the final aired episodes. Noah similarly wasn't on bad terms with Cody or Trent either. He and Cody specifically were both bullied throughout their youth, so they had stuff in common and could empathise with one another.

But again, it all made the dreaded cutting room floor, never to see the light of day until the producers were strapped for cash thirty years down the line and needed to release something Total Drama related to make a quick buck.

_Pfffffft._

Most positive encounters Noah had with his teammates were nowhere to be seen in the episodes, and thus, public perception of the cynic was notably skewed. His relationships might as well have not ever existed as far as the wider world was concerned. Any of his positive attributes might as well not exist because no one saw them. If it wasn't in an aired episode or was shown on the Aftermath specials then it didn't happen. That was the unspoken rule. He'd essentially been given a villain's edit despite only being around for four episodes.

It made him want to stab someone. Chris preferably but he wouldn't be picky about his options. God…he was starting to sound like Duncan. That was a giant red flag if he'd ever seen one.

Oh yeah, there was also that stupid part where he kissed Cody's ear in his sleep. That was all over the internet after about five seconds. No one was ever going to forget that! That was the only other thing he was known for now. Noah liked to think he was pretty progressive, but it was weird being shipped with another guy when you weren't gay or bisexual or queer in general. If he was a fictional character, sure, whatever, but he was a real person and so the infatuation some fans have with pairing him with Cody genuinely creeped him out.

He's as straight as an arrow dammit! No matter how much fan-art and smutty fics said otherwise! Could people stop clogging his email up with this shit!? How did they even get his email address in the first place?!

Sure, he cared little for fame, but this didn't mean he cared _nothing_ for his own image. Total Drama Island had told the whole world that Noah was pretty much just a little shit that gave the finger to his team and was too stubborn to even try throwing a dodge ball. That was a character assassination if he'd ever seen one! Where was the outrage over this? Nowhere, because any attempt Noah made to voice his complaints would be censored or would simply never see the light of day.

This was all why after season one concluded Noah had sworn to never properly return to the show. A special or reunion or whatever? Fine, he'd concede and attend those if only because his contract stipulated it and he knew there were no loopholes to get out of it. Gwen had tried to find something; everyone heard her venting and screaming about it.

Of course, God or life or destiny or whatever apparently hated him though. It just wouldn't leave him alone. Wouldn't give him an easy out. Instead it decided to drag him back to the poker table to play some more. That's what it felt like. He had lost big time and was now being coerced into playing another game to win back his money. Just like a casino existed to wring you of all your money so too did life exist to suck every drop of marrow from your bones till there was nothing left but a dried up husk.

Except the dealer was Satan in this now mangled metaphor – so Chris essentially.

When Courtney was revealed to be returning (to no one's enthusiasm), Chris approached the season two rejects and the already eliminated contestants for a volunteer. He wanted someone back, someone to "stir shit up" and really "piss off" Courtney. His words too, he wasn't even trying to be subtle about his intentions. Originally he wanted Gwen back because he was aware of how her and Duncan's budding friendship had already agitated the CIT. Noah would never say it out loud, but the host admittedly did know how to drive up tension and drama for the sake of ratings. Gwen's return _would_ be a big deal and would probably have consequences rippling out till the season ended. But the goth was smart enough to know what Chris was planning, and reportedly kicked him in the shins before storming out of their meeting. Everyone cheered when they got that news and Noah himself actually told the girl himself later that he was proud of her.

Trent was somewhat tempted to return to try and redeem himself for his earlier actions but ultimately declined the offer. This was partially because of Noah's own interference. He wasn't heartless despite what the wider world might think.

After his Aftermath appearance, Noah had taken Trent aside and showed him the finished episodes he was in. The musician was horrified to discover how the final edit had portrayed him. He explained in frustration all the tender moments between himself and Gwen that were never shown and even lamented that some actual friendly conversations between himself and Duncan were also removed to further fabricate an intense rivalry between the two. In particular, Trent took umbrage with how the show decided to portray his use of the number nine. Not only did he not rely on his lucky number nearly as much as the show implied he did, it even removed a confessional of him explaining his number to the audience. The show had bludgeoned Trent's image to stir up ratings, there was no other way of putting it. "Elvis" as Duncan liked to call him, had indeed screwed up majorly on his time on Total Drama Action, but the final cut had amplified his mistakes and even distorted reality to ensure Trent looked as unstable as possible.

Noah sympathised of course because he had experienced the same thing last season. The "Drama" in Total Drama wasn't just there for the sake of it; the show lived and died by it. And if it had to fabricate it then so be it. Freaking showbiz for you, you don't see how deep and dark that rabbit hole is until you're there to see it in person though. It was likely Trent's missteps and portrayal from this season would haunt him for the rest of his life. It had been a wise choice not to go back and risk things just getting worse no matter how enticing the offer of "redemption" might have seemed. It would have been on Chris's terms after all, so it could all go wrong so fast and so suddenly.

On the other hand, many other contestants were simply dismissed on the grounds that they'd _fail_ to cause enough drama with their return. Ezekiel, Tyler, and Cody were all eager for another shot at the show but ultimately fell into this category. They were deemed "too boring" by Chris's standards and thus rejected. Eva almost got in, but Chris was concerned she couldn't keep her anger in check and would just be booted first thing like when she returned in season one. The iron woman had reportedly attempted to strangle the host when she found out she wouldn't be allowed back. Unfortunately, security had restrained her long enough for Chris to flee the scene. Most of the cast was disappointed to hear this, as you'd expect.

DJ meanwhile was the sole contestant who felt they didn't deserve to return. He stood by his decision to eliminate himself this season. _Points for having standards,_ was what Noah thought at the time.

Izzy was rejected because she'd already returned once, plus she'd also gotten to come back in season one. Chris was concerned the audience would find the twist of her returning too predictable and thus rejected the red-haired girl. Katie and Sadie meanwhile were considered too annoying for Chris' tastes. Also, the besties stipulated that they'd _both_ need to be brought back, which Chris vehemently disallowed. Considering their lack of screen-time in season one, Noah really didn't see what they'd kick up such a stink and try to force the host's hand like that. Neither had made it very far the last time, so if they really wanted to go back so badly why give Chris such an ultimatum he'd obviously reject? Bloody idiots.

Geoff and Bridgette could also not return because they were now the official hosts of the Aftermath Show. Though they expressed some interest in getting a second shot, they were tied up in their new contracts. Sure, they wouldn't win one million dollars but at least they'd get paid for their services! Everyone else had to be on the stupid Aftermath Show because their contracts said so, and they'd not earn one cent from being paraded around. Noah had never hated paper more than when someone from the show would produce the damn contracts to prevent anyone from arguing further. Even putting the endless copies of them through a paper shredder had lost its appeal long ago.

This all left Chris with just one option though: Noah.

The boy in question originally intended to copy Gwen's reported strategy. Tell Chris "no" and kick him in the shins before storming off. However, the Antichrist-in-disguise had apparently already known about the bookworm's noteworthy distaste for the show. He wasn't just offering Noah a chance to return; he was offering him a job. He was going to _pay_ Noah to purposefully screw with the competitors to add drama to the show as well as to add a new dimension to the competition. Ratings had waned slightly once Trent and Gwen departed and Chris was now also searching for a way to recapture that juiciness by piggybacking Noah's return onto Courtney's.

Why did Chris think Noah was the perfect one for this job? Because he was aware of Noah's cult status amongst the fans and also knew that he'd hate having to go back on the show and be humiliated in front of so many people again. Noah's notable frustration with just being there would entertain the viewers. He also argued that it'd be a good comeback story – a chance for the cynic to "redeem" himself after his disastrous game in season one. Courtney would be angry with someone coming back regardless of whom they were, so that box was ticked and his cult status meant his return would please a lot of fans.

But the other reason he chose Noah was because he knew the kid was smart. Chris wanted someone to stir the pot, and that meant he was fine giving someone who was actually _competent_ orders he knew they'd obey. McLean was willing to pay Noah to purposefully screw over the other contestants in some form or another and he knew the kid would be able to weasel himself out of eliminations if he really put his mind to it and had the network backing him up. The last thing Chris wanted was for someone to come back and get the boot immediately. He had faith though that with the right motivation, Noah could be the mole he wanted so badly.

"You will be paid for your services," Chris had explained at the time, wagging his eyebrows suggestively like a typical slimy salesman who had his head shoved firmly up his own ass. "Besides, don't you want a shot at redemption? Maybe you can finally live up to your title of _The Schemer_."

The Schemer – that had been the cynic's "stereotype" in promotion for season one. It was quite amusing in retrospective, since he wasn't around long enough to actually _do_ any sort of scheming. He was hoisted by his own petard ultimately, an overconfident prick who thought himself above all the other overconfident pricks until they blindsided him and booted him off. If anything, Heather was the schemer since she actually started doing just that from the second challenge onwards. Then again, Heather's stereotype was 'Manipulative Piece of Shit' but the advertising hadn't referred to her by that either.

Really thinking on it, Noah just never could pin down why the promotion team had given him such a title. Sure, they knew some of his background but he certainly wouldn't characterise himself as sly or cunning. He supposed he had the smarts for it, but the idea of being such a player always made his skin crawl. Manipulation and plotting were for competitors like Heather – you know, the most unlikeable person in the competition, which was really saying something. Noah liked to refer to these people as "eels dipped in grease dipped in motor oil." They absolutely repulsed him and now Chris was asking him to be one of those people – to be his personal villain essentially! He did have a moral compass dammit despite what some people might contend. Could he be a bit condescending and smug, sure? But he really didn't think anyone would see him and assume he was a villainous presence like Heather.

But it all made sense too in a weird way. From a business perspective anyway, definitely not morally. Heather had been the obvious antagonist of season one. She'd been someone the audience could actively hate and root against but also keep their attention. Season two currently lacked a competitor like this, which was the problem. Heather couldn't really make any strategic moves or she'd be eliminated instantly, the genie was long gone out of that bottle. Justin, or "Anti-Me" as Noah liked to call him, seemed like he had the potential but hadn't really yet capitalised on any opportunities. He definitely wasn't a hero but he hadn't done anything overtly villainous either. He honestly seemed too incompetent to be a truly threatening presence despite his less than benevolent intentions. Honestly, Duncan probably came closest to being the antagonist if you really squinted your eyes at everything that had happened. He'd constantly tormented Harold and indirectly had a hand in breaking Gwen and Trent up. But this would _really_ be grasping at straws and would require a skewed perspective with a lot of leaps in logic. Duncan was too apathetic overall to be classified as the villain. He was a thug and had a bad personality, but wasn't some grand puppet master or schemer like Heather had been. He was more or less just a dick.

So, if no one was going to step forward and play the villain Chris would just have to make his own. He'd just pay someone to be his personal antagonist, problem solved. The fact that he'd be giving money to someone to play dirty would also definitely get the viewers' blood boiling and drive ratings up. This wasn't someone willing to do anything to win like Heather. No, this was someone accepting cash to fuck with his fellow competitors! Heather was a dick by nature but Noah was being bribed to be an asshole. It was a line he knew a lot of people would hate him for stepping over. The hardcore fans would be screaming for his head. Heck, his fellow competitors would definitely see it as some sign of skullduggery. He was essentially siding with Chris against them in the grand scheme of things and god, didn't that thought make him want to throw up in his mouth.

The very idea sent a chill down his spine at the time, even maybe made him gag a little. Just entertaining the very thought had made him feel dirty, like he'd committed some kind of unholy sin. How could he accept such an offer? Would he really sink so low as to do something like this just for the cash? The scary thing was that a part of him had said yes. After all, wasn't it about time life finally threw him a bone? Wasn't it about time he deserved a break? This could be it.

His first thought had been to say no. His second thought had been to kick Chris in the shins like Gwen had. His third thought had been to accept the offer and then purposefully get himself voted off straight away just to stick it to the host for a cheap laugh. But his fourth thought was something else entirely.

_If anyone deserves to win, why isn't that person you?_

Total Drama had already wasted so much of his life already. He'd been forced to surround himself with people who he (mostly) despised and his image was in tatters just from appearing in a handful of episodes from this dumb show. He had been subjected to all this suffering and misery and for what? What did he gain from this experience? What did he get out of the whole thing?

Nothing. Squat. A handful of sort-of-maybe friends…?

Pfft.

That meant little to Noah. These people meant nothing, period. But now Chris was offering him a place back on the show and he was going to get paid to be there. Paid! Plus, if Noah could find a way to win, he'd be one million dollars richer. The selfish and most cynical part of the bookworm had won out ultimately, the devil on his shoulder impaling the angel on the other from behind and tossing them into the abyss. The frustration and anger from all his time on the show had finally reached its boiling point. Or maybe that had been Chris' plan all along, enticing Noah with such a deal while he was at his lowest point – his most vulnerable.

Why shouldn't he play the villain? Most of the world and most of the cast already viewed him in such a negative light anyway. It's not like it could get much worse. And once again, Chris was PAYING him to be the mole. Plus, there was one million dollars on the line and Noah had seen the peons in this competition. Most of them were either complete idiots and scumbags or just flat out horrible people. If anyone deserved the cash, it was him right? At the very least, there wasn't anyone there who was obviously more worthy of the prize, so why shouldn't _he_ be the one to get it?

Was Chris manipulating him, sure? That was painfully obvious. The host really didn't have any options left but it was somewhat interesting that he had felt the need to sweeten the deal in such a specific way because it actually reeked of desperation. Noah was his only option so he had been willing to go a bit further than usual in getting him to agree. Chris wouldn't let Noah bargain, the man had his limits, but even this much was a shocker. He knew Noah hated the show, so he had offered him an extra incentive to come back. Even if he said no, he'd still have to wait around till the show ended at damn last anyways. But at least with this, whether he succeeded or not, he'd be paid. It wouldn't all be a waste. What did he have to lose here really?

Noah had grinned on the inside but kept his face blank and expressionless in the moment. He knew this would be hard, and he'd probably kick himself for it once he was there but he was going to do it. It was time for him to finally have his moment in the sun. He had stood up and reluctantly accepted Chris' deal with a shake of hands. He hoped at the time it wouldn't be the deal with the devil he felt it was.

So that was how Noah ended up backstage on the bank set waiting around for Chris's signal so he could come around and reveal himself to the contestants. He was currently huffing in annoyance, something he'd been doing a lot the last few days as he tore at the wallpaper. He'd go back and forth like this. He'd start wondering if he'd made the wrong choice, then the frustration would boil up and then he'd start yelling at himself from being an idiot before calming down. Then the loop would start over again. He was currently in the first stage of said loop, a state of uncertainty. Luckily, before it could evolve into frustration as per usual he heard the cue.

It was time, time to finally initiate his grand beginning as a villain. And to experience a whole new world of pain and torment of course. Couldn't forget that part now could we.

"It turns out that I have another surprise for you. Since Courtney's been brought back into the game, we decided we needed another contestant too just to keep things balanced."

Noah automatically tuned out the CIT's protests. She was so predictable sometimes that it hurt. Literally. Like right now, his ears were ringing from her petulant whining - it was like nails on a chalkboard for Christ's sake! He wouldn't be surprised if his ears started bleeding too. Thankfully he'd become somewhat competent at blocking her voice out, he had a lot of practice under his belt since she'd done nothing much bar scream and complain at the Playa. He did not miss those days at all. Someone clearly needed a good shagging.

_Ugh…Izzy really is a bad influence on me._

Noah slowly began to move whilst preparing the expression on his face. He wanted to go in with his usual blank face of boredom. He wouldn't want to tip anyone off that something was going on after all. Though he doubted anyone had the skills of observation good enough to actually catch on anyway. Or to put the pieces together even if they did. Still, better to be safe than sorry. It's not like they'd expect him to be cheery or anything after all, they all knew what he was like by now.

Except for Lindsay…he'd be surprised if she even remembered what his name was.

"I want everyone to welcome back on of our season one contestants," he heard Chris announce. Noah could imagine that stupid grin on his stupid face as he spoke. "He was best known for his vacant expressions, his lack of screen time and for being the first Screaming Gopher eliminated. Oh, he also kissed Cody." Noah resisted the urge to run out and throttle the man; instead settling for punching over a mannequin on his way over while his right eye twitched violently.

Then he had to rub his sore hand because _shit_ that mannequin was sturdier than it looked.

"It's everyone's favourite cynical bookworm: Noah!"

"Seriously?" Noah caught sight of Duncan rolling his eyes as he came strolling out from behind the stage. He was kind of impressed the punk beat Courtney to the punch in complaining. That was no easy feat after all, though he could see steam pouring out of her ears already like a locomotive. "Of all the people you could bring back, you chose Sir Dorksalot?"

"Yep," was all Chris said in response with his stupid, ugly smile that made everyone want to punch him out. It was quite hard to believe that during all his time in show business, no one _had_ ever taken the opportunity to knock him out. Someone should probably get onto that; they'd almost certainly be hailed as a hero. Probably even get a medal. Noah made a mental note to potentially hold a meeting over this if he found the time.

"But I needed a _lawsuit_ to get back onto this show!" Courtney roared, Noah watching her as she stamped her foot like a horse. It was about as unflattering at it sounds. "You can't just bring people back like this! It's totally against the rules!" she insisted like a petulant child who received one present short of what she wanted on Christmas.

_Headache is coming on already…_

"The fact that you think this show has quote on quote _rules_ says a lot about you," Noah couldn't help but remark with his usual deadpan tone. He actively despised the person Courtney had turned into as a result of her elimination in season one and he enjoyed setting her off every chance he got. Everyone needs a hobby right? Legit though, this girl had anger issues that could rival Eva as this point! And even Eva had told her to chill at one point. Eva! How did that _not_ set alarm bells off for the girl?

As the contestants laughed at Courtney's expense, Chris stepped in before she could explode and possibly assault someone. Noah was also pretty certain the host didn't want his mole in a body bag from day one. He was, for the first time, grateful for having the network as backup. "Here's the dealio. Courtney is back. Noah is also back. That's all there is to it, and yelling at me isn't going to change anything." He made sure to look Courtney right in the eye as he said this; making it clear this was a warning that first-degree murder wasn't allowed. He quickly went back to his usual smiling self though once he received a _very_ reluctant nod of understanding. "Now, Courtney, you get to give the loot to whoever you think did the challenge the best."

Said contestant glared at the host for a moment before regaining her composure, perhaps remembering she was on camera and thus being watched by a lot of people worldwide. She cleared her throat and pushed her chest out like she was some sort of politician about to make a speech and suddenly everyone's disdain for her made a lot more sense.

"That's easy," she said. "Duncan… I mean the Gaffers deserve the win. They're the only ones that actually showed up."

Noah barely managed to not roll his eyes. _Barely_ being the key word here.

That was the worst cover up he'd ever seen! If she was dating the dude just freaking own it! Jesus Christ man! These people were infuriating. Was she ashamed of dating him? Surely that couldn't be the case because everyone (bar Lindsay probably) already knew. They'd seen the damn episodes and seen them flirting and kissing in person and everything. Could they stop beating around the fucking bush already? Also, wasn't she angry with him about Gwen or whatever?

_Ugh…why am I even thinking about this? Why do I give a shit all of a sudden?_

"Interesting justification," Chris the asshole remarked as he stroked his chin like a cheesy Bond villain. "But I was actually lying when I said you'd get to choose the winner, Courtney."

_Well, no surprise there,_ Noah thought to himself as his ears prepared themselves for the inevitable shriek that would shatter glass and make small children cry.

"WHAT?"

_Right on cue._

"Yeah, I'm choosing the winner because I'm the host and a better judge of character," Chris continued as he snatched the bag of loot from the hands of the CIT, whose mouth was gaping open in shock. Noah was fairly certain she was already formulating a rant for her next confessional. Probably talk shit about the host for a bit before threatening to bury him or something with another lawsuit.

He reminded himself to see if he could find a good way to eavesdrop on confessionals later. That could come in handy down the line and he was surprised Heather or anyone else hadn't tried such a thing last season. Perhaps normally Chris would prevent a contestant from doing such a thing, but since he was the mole he'd probably get special benefits. It was something to consider at least.

Ugh…he felt so slimy. How did Heather do this on a daily basis? He felt like he needed a shower already and he hadn't actually done anything yet but think evilly for a second. Did she just not have a soul or something? Was that the trick to this sort of thing, being dead on the inside?

"Surely we're still the winners right?" Heather, the Wicked Witch of the West herself stated confidently, puffing her chest out. Which was bizarre considering she wasn't exactly… the bustiest girl around. Noah did not consider himself a pervert, that was Cody's M.O. but the way she flaunted her body sometimes as if she was a perfect ten confused the bookworm something shocking. She wasn't a ten to put it bluntly. Not by his standards anyway. Then again, she did have an ego the size of Canada so what did he know?

Look, he didn't have a problem with women being scantily clad, and he understood why some women did it as a sign they were comfortable with themselves and their bodies. But, and it was a big but, Heather was not one of those girls. He was pretty sure she did it to purely to say "Look how more beautiful I am than anyone else" and she just wasn't _that_ much of a bombshell overall to justify it. Again, nothing wrong with someone being confident with how they looked, but Heather did not give off that impression at all, she was just showing off. Or she was trying to compensate for a low self-esteem. He wouldn't be surprised to learn she was secretly _insecure_ that Lindsay clearly outclassed her actually. That would make _way_ too much sense really and would probably explain a lot about how she viewed and treated the blonde.

"Yeah…no," was Chris' predictably blunt response as he turned to the Killer Grips and threw the bag of loot to Owen. He pointedly ignored the glare Heather shot him; it had nothing on Courtney's after all, which were down right murderous. "The challenge was to release one member of your team from a vault and _then_ rob the bank." He turned back to the Gaffers. "You did well to improvise but you did _technically_ skip part one of the challenge by leaving LeShawna. To be fair, you weren't really making any progress on that so you probably would have lost regardless. Points for effort I get. But not points that get you the win."

_Bullshit._

That whole explanation was utter nonsense. Noah had lost count of the amount of times Chris skewed the rules simply because he could. He didn't even necessarily do it with an agenda in mind sometimes; rather it would just be how he was feeling in the moment. Or he clearly hadn't thought the challenges through enough and then had to make shit up on the fly. Like, that bike challenge from the first season made no sense whatsoever and it's pretty unbelievable that it somehow got past the producers. This is why Noah found it difficult to get shitty over rules never remaining consistent anymore. Part of the drama in this show came from there being essentially _no rules_. Adjusting to that and using it to your advantage on the fly was how you win. Or just being lucky; one or the other.

At the very least, arguing them with Chris was a fruitless endeavour that would just waste time. Trying to get Chris to change his mind on rulings was like trying to have a polite discourse online, it was simply never going to happen. Which meant it's something Courtney would probably pick up as a hobby now that he thought about it.

"Gosh!" Harold snapped as he turned to Duncan, arms in the air in obvious and comically exaggerated outrage. The ginger really did just ooze pathetic energy. "You cut up my stuff for nothing! And we left LeShawna in a cell for what?"

The delinquent was apparently unfazed by the nerd's rage and simply rolled his eyes. Noah couldn't help but feel the same. LeShawna had shown herself this season to be kind of a bitch. He would say she deserved it even if he wouldn't share his feelings out loud. That girl knew how to throw a mean right hook and he'd rather not be on the receiving end of one of those anytime soon. His face was not a punching bag no matter what Lachlan from Class 3-B said, dammit!

"However, the Gaffers get a consolation prize," Chris explained as he turned to Courtney and gave her the most sickening smile in the history of mankind. Noah had to admit, the look of horror that crossed her face was priceless and he so wished he could take a picture to frame it. This was going to be good!

"NO!" Courtney exploded, waving her arms in the air as she stormed over to the host, kicking up dust in her wake. "There is no way I'M the second place prize!" If looks could kill right now they probably would. That assumed Chris McLean was a human though and not some immortal demon spawn or something. Courtney probably _could_ manifest lasers from her eyes and the sadistic host would somehow survive just to continually torment them all and rub their failure in their faces.

Said garbage human being was clearly unfazed by Courtney's protests and folded his hands behind his back. He was obviously relishing in the moment. As much as it hurt to admit it, Noah was too. "Sorry Courtney. It's just the rules," Chris explained casually.

"THEN CHANGE THEM!"

Noah was pretty sure everyone winced, even Chris. He honestly had to wonder if Chef was standing close by, hidden behind something with a tranquilliser gun at the ready just in case. The girl legit looked ready to start mowing people down with her bare hands. Good thing there was nothing sharp nearby. Or some blunt instrument to bash someone's head in with. Huh, maybe the producers had thought of that ahead of time and removed them?

Chris turned away from Courtney, clearly enjoying how satisfying it felt to see her this pissed. No doubt he'd been looking forward to his little revenge plan since the lawsuit hit him and the producers. At the very least it would provide some entertainment for the competitors and Noah. Heather looked like she was enjoying the view for example, even if her team was collateral damage for the CIT getting her comeuppance. They'd be stuck with her whiny ass after all.

"That means Noah is first place prize and gets to enjoy himself on the winning team," Chris added almost as an afterthought, though Noah himself could see the glint in the host's eyes as he spoke. Was that a subtle indication of something being amiss for the audience or a coded message to Noah himself?

_I'm probably overthinking it,_ he reminded himself in thought as he turned to face his merry band of idiots charitably dubbed a "team."

"Guess we're teammates then," he noted as he strolled over to the Killer Grips, who examined him with equal amounts of skepticism. Not surprising considering his past with them all but he'd rather not have this get off to a rocky start. He'd keep his more critical thoughts to himself to keep the peace, but that didn't mean he would start liking them or stop judging them. He knew who each of them were already and it was honestly not a very impressive line up all things considered.

Owen had his uses, but he managed to make it to the finals last season on pure luck and simply being likeable. No one perceived him as a threat and for good reason. He mostly just ate, farted and bumbled his way through challenges. His victory really was just a fluke and he largely coasted through the competition on the back of being underestimated. Lindsay meanwhile was the stereotypical dumb blonde who had some talents, none of which tended to actually aid her in the competition though. She got far last time only on account of being Heather's dancing puppet. Beth was nice enough and at least had a semblance of self-awareness unlike Lindsay, but she really did not have much going for her. She was good at being invisible in a sense, which in this game could be an advantage but even then, that was a pretty backhanded compliment. Honestly, it seemed like this team mostly got by on being full of people who didn't seem at all like a danger to watch out for. Which might help in the long run for the individual but not really for the team as a whole. Still, it was Total Drama and being competent didn't necessarily assure you victory or else the show would be a bore. And Eva would have won last season hands down. Then there was Justin though…

Noah could see his polar opposite sizing him up and had to resist the urge to smear dirt or something similar on his face. Nothing against models or prissy boys, but Justin gave them a bad name simply by virtue of being overly sensitive and also just kind of being a shitty person in general. Legit, he was a dude who used his mesmerising good looks to _influence_ and _manipulate_ female players. That was both slimy and creepy. After all, where did he draw the line? He was leading girls on to further his own ambitions; it was kind of hard to believe people weren't more in uproar over his actions.

"Wait," Lindsay said suddenly, raising her hand as if she were in school. God this woman made his head hurt. He was starting to remember why he actively avoided her and people in general again. "Are _you_ Tyler?"

Noah took this opportunity to turn to the nearest cameraman and look directly down the barrel of the lens. "God have mercy on my soul," he said with as much dread in his voice that he could possibly muster. He could feel his brain cells deteriorating already and wondered if maybe it was too late to back out or at the very least throw himself in front of a bus or something.

"Now that the teams updates have been finalised," Chris continued, unknowingly confirming Noah's fear that indeed, it was too late to leave. "Let's all move on to part two of the challenge."

_I've just made the worst mistake of my life, haven't I?_

* * *

Duncan was angry. Like really angry.

Okay, maybe not angry but annoyed and flustered at the very least. Then again, when hadn't he been? He'd been stuck on this godforsaken show for so long now and he was just tired and fed up by this point. It was like a scab that wouldn't go away no matter how much he scratched at it!

Just this season alone he'd been forced to act on stage, watch LeShawna dance (if you could call it that), had to restrain himself every day from smothering Harold in his sleep, gotten explosive diarrhoea from a poisoned pizza, had to restrain himself from skinning Heather alive each day, nearly drowned in a sub surrounded by three people he absolutely loathed, had to endure Owen's chemical warfare in the middle of each night, had to restrain himself from gutting McLean every day _and_ he'd been forced to kiss Heather for a challenge!

He still felt the need to brush his teeth five times longer than usual each night to get the damn taste out of his mouth. It was like kissing death or something. It had actively sucked the life out of him and the horrifying memory would forever be burned into his brain. He felt like he was cursed or something. He wouldn't be shocked if he caught some horrible disease from it or something. Could one get an STD from a kiss? He wouldn't be surprised if that skank had something after all.

Was a million bucks worth all this?

Hell yes.

It was a million dollars after all; you'd have to be crazy not to consider that worthwhile. But by this point he just felt fatigued and worn out. He could only take so much bullshit and this was originally supposed to be just one season! But now he'd taken part in a two-part special episode (which included him having to wrestle an alligator!) and was now on a second season, which was technically just an extension of season one since Owen revoked his win but then the prize got swallowed up. Total Drama Action was, technically speaking, just the tiebreaker from season one stretched out over a whole other season.

Fucking hell.

God was he just sick of it all. Sick of the challenges, sick of the people, and sick of Chris Fucking McLean and his fucking smile. He missed his gang, his pals, hell; he missed the food from juvie! They were obligated by law to make it edible, unlike Chef who seemed intent on seeing how long he could go till he poisoned someone or all of them. He'd even admit that deep down he missed his family, as much of a pain as they were sometimes. He missed Scruffy, his deadly pet spider. He missed a place where he belonged. He missed home.

Total Drama just wasn't that and it never would be. Everything felt fake and artificial, being on a movie set felt quite poetic in a sense since it felt like they weren't really living their lives here but enacting some bizarre approximation of life. The trailer he slept in and kept his stuff in felt more alien than a prison cell had, and every day felt like an exercise in torture as he continued to waste away the days fighting for a prize he might not even win. He had placed fourth last season so the odds were kind of against him. He was no math whiz but he had a basic understanding of probability. People who made it super far last time were unlikely to go as far the second. Gwen had bitten the dust early this season just as an example. He was too big of a threat to be ignored in the long run.

But today really took the cake for how pissed off he was, which was saying something because a prior challenge had forced him to _kiss_ Heather and another almost sent him to a watery grave. Not only had McLean upturned his stellar plan with his nonexistent rulebook, but the asshole also had decided to bring back two competitors. Which meant the godforsaken show would drag on even _longer_. This season didn't have as many contestants as the last one, so they sometimes had award challenges with no threat of elimination hanging over their heads. Duncan was fairly certain the producers were just trying to draw this out as long as possible. Damn them all to hell. Could they not let this farce end already?

It didn't help that one of the returning competitors was Noah, the pussy runt who was too wimpy to even attempt to throw a dodge ball. He also had a big forehead, which always stood out to Duncan, mainly because it looked like a decent enough punching bag. He might have also stolen the dude's pants in the Season One special. That had been funny if he was remembering things correctly. Also, Noah and Cody kissed or something? He didn't really care about that sort of thing, unless you asked him out loud of course, in which case he'd be disgusted if only because street cred came first and foremost. And on the street you were straight or a faggot, no in-between. Tolerance was for sissies and being a faggot meant you were a sissy.

Still, why couldn't someone like DJ or Geoff come back? You know, someone decent and not prone to driving him up the wall! At least Noah wasn't on his team, they were already saddled with one nerd thanks to Harold and they definitely didn't need another or else Duncan was afraid he _might_ actually snap and gut someone in their sleep. He'd been tempted to strike Harold a few times over the head and it had taken all of his self-control to calm himself and back away slowly. He should probably stop sleeping with his knife, having it there just made the temptation to lash out all that more difficult to resist.

But none of this what was had him really flustered right now. Rather, it was the _other_ competitor who had surprisingly returned to the show.

Duncan kept his eyes trained on Courtney from behind as his team travelled back to the trailers. He'd like to say he had been staring at her fine ass but his thoughts were elsewhere for a change. The team had been awkwardly silent with one another for a while, which was the norm at this point. Heather usually refused to speak with the team of "degenerates" (as she liked to put it) that she was stuck with and Harold was still annoyed with the punk for "ruining" his stuff. Courtney of course was fuming to herself over everything that had happened thus far. The reason Duncan was annoyed with her was because she didn't even seem to notice he was here! They hadn't spoken since the Season One Special and he couldn't help but be bothered that he wasn't at the top of her list of priorities.

In reality, Duncan really didn't even know where he and Courtney stood as a couple and that was a serious problem. They'd technically gotten together at the end of the prior season, but they had immediately hit rocky ground not long into it. The Season One Special had the two teaming up as a pair and that partnership immediately imploded in on itself. Straight after wrestling an alligator (an alligator!) for the case of cash, Courtney abandoned him when he sprained his ankle. He had not taken that very well, and at one point later that day said he'd be coming for her after he finished scaring off a rampaging moose.

As a result of the suddenness of season two, they hadn't really had a chance to talk about what happened and figure things out. Certain events sort of made it impossible for them to properly talk and discuss what had occurred and so everything had gone…unresolved.

He was still angry about the perceived betrayal, but did admittedly harbour feelings for her still. She was hot, what could he say, and he didn't have a picture of her under his pillow for nothing of course. But as the new season wore on and attempted to drive him further insane she slowly started to feel less and less relevant. Although he justified his bullying of Harold as retribution for him booting her unfairly last season, this was somewhat untrue. Originally that had been his justification, sure, but it was more so just because the delinquent enjoyed tormenting the nerd. He didn't really like being on the show, and so a nice victim to torment daily was good catharsis.

Courtney was just a more convenient and politically correct excuse.

In all honesty, he had been starting to forget about the hot brunette that was _technically_ his girlfriend. She really did matter less and less to him as the days wore on and his friendship with Gwen had indeed been a pretty big distraction from her. He honestly had enjoyed his time with Gwen so much that he was secretly quite devastated by her sudden elimination. In retrospective, he wished he had done more to try and keep the goth from getting kicked off at the time. In the moment he had told himself he didn't care all that much but his heart said different now. They had similar interests and sense of humour and she reminded him of some of his mates back home. When he talked to her it felt like he wasn't on some stupid show humiliating himself for a million bucks.

Spending time with her also had the unintended side effect though of making Duncan question his relationship with Courtney. They were definitively an 'opposites attract' type of couple but now he couldn't help but wonder if there was any real stability to it all. He couldn't picture a long-term thing between them working when he tried to imagine it. He was far too stubborn to strip his bad-boy punk persona and he couldn't see Courtney completely cutting loose her uptight, no-nonsense attitude either. Most of their season one encounters had been arguments, so why would them being a couple suddenly stop all that conflict? Courtney had cut loose in the episode of her elimination but said elimination had also cranked up her meanness levels by a good amount and it just wasn't attractive at all.

Looking at her now, he was somewhat shocked by how different she was to when she first arrived at Camp Wawanakwa. The girl then had been pushy and a goody-two-shoes but she also had a fiery side and a bit of a mean streak. Now though it was just all mean and shouting and threats. It served only as a painful reminder of how isolated he felt right now and how much her time on the show had changed her. Perhaps it had changed all of them for the worst…

Walking with his silent team made Duncan realise how much he missed his friends and hated his current companions. DJ had forfeited and quit the game not too long after Gwen got shafted for agreeing to let the Grips win a challenge to make up for Trent's tanking. With those two gone, plus Geoff earlier in the season, he realised that most people he actually liked (or tolerated) weren't around anymore. There was Owen, but he was on the other team so they didn't get as much time to hang as the delinquent would like. He was also better in small doses in his opinion; there was only so much farting he could take. In retrospective, he was regretting booting Geoff off just for making out with Bridgette so much. He could really use a friend to talk to right now. Hell, he'd even take Malibu since she could hold a conversation with him. The rest of his team was so deplorable after all.

Harold was a geek, and Duncan just couldn't take him seriously or tolerate him no matter what. His mannerisms and personality just grated on him something fierce. No wonder he was the last pick for teams this season. Also, he had an image to maintain so there was no way he could be buddy-buddy with him even if he wanted to. Heather, well, she was just a straight up cunt and LeShawna and him simply butted heads too much. When Gwen was around, the two could tolerate one another since they were both friends with the goth, but she was long gone now and any good will between the two had deteriorated to nothing. Specifically, LeShawna didn't like the way Duncan treated Harold and the girl had already proven thus far this season that she was fine lying to get what she wanted, so he had no reason to trust her now especially.

The other team was no better sans Owen. Lindsay was nice to look at but Duncan found speaking to her to be an act of frustration and an utter waste of time. She'd be good for a one-night stand and nothing more. Heck, he'd probably have to duct tape her mouth shut to stop her from ruining the moment. Beth was just a female Harold in his mind; only shorter, and Justin was too girly and self-obsessed with his looks for Duncan's taste. Potentially also gay, so there was no way he could associate with him lest his street cred take a serious hit. There was no one left on the show really who he could truly tolerate being around. He was only here for the money.

Then Courtney, his (sort of) girlfriend shows back up, and she…blanks him? What was a guy supposed to make of that? The one person who might be his saving grace and she ignores him…fucking hell…

"Oh, he is so dead." Duncan could hear her muttering under her breath as they walked. It was mainly comments deriding Chris and threatening to maim or kill him in any number of gruesome ways. There was of course, also talk of another lawsuit because of Noah's surprise return and some threats towards harming him too. It was a little unsettling in all honesty; the descriptions were pretty graphic even by his standards.

"Save the threats for the challenge, Princess," the delinquent couldn't help but quip from behind her, hoping – nay desperate, to start a conversation. "If you're lucky, the next challenge is a get-away shoot out. Maybe you'll get a shot at shooting the dork and then McLean by "accident"."

"Not now, Duncan!" she snapped, not even bothering to turn to look back at him, much to his immense disappointment. "I need to focus. You don't know the effort it took for me to get back onto this show. Right now, I need to think and strategise. I've come too far to blow it all the moment I stepped foot here. I have to prioritise."

The slight grin the punk had managed died a horrible, painful death in response to Courtney's words. Her tone had been unexpectedly scathing, and her words like knives had carved away any remaining good will he had for her spontaneous return. Now his blood was just boiling.

She had no reason to ignore him like this! No reason to act so cold towards him! The last time they were together, she was the one who screwed _him_ over! If anything, he should be mad at her, not the other way around! She betrayed him after he wrestled an alligator! An alligator dammit! Did everyone forget about that part or something?

_Prioritise? And her boyfriend somehow isn't at the top of the list?_ he thought angrily.

"Trouble in paradise?" Heather, the slutty bitch sniped as she walked alongside the punk, arms folded. She had her usual wicked grin plastered across her face like a demented version of the Cheshire Cat. She really was a witch. Good to look at for sure, but a witch on the inside none the same. Never stick your dick in crazy was the motto.

"Shut it, baldy!" Duncan snapped, giving her one of his trademark death stares. She grimaced a bit at the reminder of her baldness but was not at all intimidated by his expression. She apparently knew the punk wouldn't actually hurt her. He was chivalrous enough to not hit a woman (as far as she knew anyway) and so would only fight battles of words with her. That was all she could do too though and she knew it.

How she was still around Duncan had no idea, but he had to guess it was because she was too scared at this point to try and make even a single strategic play lest everyone gang up on her immediately. She was forced to walk on eggshells all the time, hence why all she would do was snipe at people. Was a bit pathetic really but also kind of funny to see the queen of mean so helpless. So long as she obeyed like a good mutt people would simply let her be. Any sign of manipulation or scheming like last season though, and they'd all come down on her like a tone of bricks.

"Don't worry, Duncan," the witch cackled, apparently wanting to be sent to an early grave by his hand. He could feel his knife hand twitch at her words. "I'm sure weird goth girl will cheer you up when you finally get to see her again."

Duncan rolled his eyes as hard as humanly possible. He honestly couldn't stand the teasing of him and Gwen, especially since it usually only tended to flare up the _other_ team by virtue of how messy Trent and Gwen's breakup was and how it affected them. It was cheap and an obvious low blow, he wouldn't give credit for an insult unless it was actually somewhat decent. Heather could at least learn to be creative with her sniping and think up something more original. This really was as lazy as they came.

"Nice one, Heather. Your insults are so good that you have to fling mud at someone who isn't even here. Truly a master of destroying people you are. Are you going to pick on Harold next for wearing glasses? Or Beth for wearing braces? Or yourself maybe for that big, fat, bald head of yours?"

"I didn't hear you say no!"

Duncan flinched slightly at the tone. He and Heather both exchanged a glance before pausing, noticing that ahead of them Courtney had done so too. Though she had her back to them, they could see that she was shaking all over and that her fists were balled up. Not a good sign overall, and Duncan could even see Harold purposefully tiptoeing backwards in fear, no doubt weary of what the CIT might do. It was likely he still wasn't sure if Courtney held a grudge from last season or not and didn't want to risk being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his miserable life.

Tuning those (somewhat amusing) thoughts out, Duncan simply glared at her back, not quite sure where this was going. A part of him was finally glad that she was _choosing_ to speak with him, but the other part was annoyed by her blunt choice of tone. Had he done something wrong without realising it? No, that couldn't be right, he hadn't done anything at all in the last few moments bar exchanging insults with Skankity-Slut-Slut. So what the hell was this all about then?

"Say no to what?" he asked after a moment when it was clear he would have to speak first because of fucking course he would have to. Nothing was easy for him anymore. It was like swimming up a waterfall except all the time, that was his life now apparently!

"You and _Gwen_ ," Courtney grit out. You could hear her breathing speed up as she spat the words out. "You _didn't_ deny Heather's claim that Gwen would cheer you up."

Duncan titled his head in confusion, completely lost now. "Um…excuse me?" he snarled back. "Gwen and I are friends. I don't need to _deny_ anything. Why are you so uptight right now?" he dared to question, ignoring his better judgment not to poke the bear. "You should be happy. You got back on the show and got to skip like the first half of it. You really should be grateful if anything!"

The delinquent could see the Killer Grips up ahead had stopped to watch from a distance. McLean was standing with them, holding a comically large bag of popcorn and snacking out of it. It was taking all of Duncan's self control not to walk over and strangle the man like he wished he'd done for the last few months. Did they all have to fucking watch and stare? This is why he hated this show and all the people on it! He couldn't get one ounce of privacy. Everything was out in the open. Eyes were on him all the time, watching him, judging him, waiting for him to slip up.

Duncan watched as Courtney slowly turned around to face him. The sight was not pretty. Her eyes were flashing dangerously red and the veins on her hands were bulging from how tightly her fists were clenched. She legit looked ready to maul someone, probably him. He noticed Heather was actually so fearful that she took a step back with him in shock. Harold even let out a quiet yelp and quickly sprinted behind a nearby trashcan for safety.

"What. Is. Going. On. Between. You. And. Gwen?"

With each word, Courtney advanced on him like a predator cornering its prey. Duncan had lost all his anger by this point. It had deflated like a balloon and now he was left shaking with fear at the brunette who stood before him. He could feel her breath on his face but unlike some of their earlier encounters he wasn't into it at all. It didn't elicit a spark of electricity or turn him on. It wasn't sending a chill up his spine in a good way. No, it was eliciting goosebumps of fear, like he was a man coming face to face with the grim reaper, waiting for the moment he'd be mowed down like a blade of grass.

"Nothing's going on between me and Gwen," Duncan choked out after a moment, trying desperately to regain his footing in the face of certain death. "We're just friends."

Courtney's eyes narrowed into slits as she leaned in a little closer, forcing the punk to lean back to avoid her lest she literally bite his head off. "Is that so?" she said slowly and threateningly. Her words felt like a dagger she was pushing further and further against his throat as if this were a torture session to extract information.

Briefly glancing around, the delinquent could see everyone watching him again. He could feel their eyes bearing down on him, absorbing every last drop of information and tension like they were out in the desert and desperate for water. His eyes darted around for a moment, catching the various expressions of his co-stars. Owen seemed concerned, Lindsay looked lost, Beth seemed tense, Justin bemused. Noah was indifferent as usual while Heather of course was grinning like a spoilt brat on Christmas morning.

Perhaps that was what set him off more than anything else. He was reminded of all the people who would see this when it aired, see him being intimidated and on the back foot against some chick. They'd see him being grilled and scared. See him be put in his place by a girl. See him for the weakling he was: just another doormat waiting to be stepped on and walked all over.

And then something in him snapped as it always did in times like these - the irrational part.

Realising what this might to do his precious street cred he bit his tongue and put on a brave face. Dignity meant "way too much" to someone like Duncan apparently, his father had warned him time and time again but the old fool simply didn't understand. Out in the streets, image was all you had. If people thought you were powerful then you were powerful, without it you're nothing. He'd been warned to drop such a mentality but he'd refused, his family simply didn't want to understand him. They wanted to control him, just like everyone else. Just like Chris McLean and just like Courtney.

The egotistical side of him took over in an instant like a vehicle on autopilot. Like a wounded, cornered animal his berserker nature took hold in a last desperate act of defiance. Like any man with too much pride he decided the best way to defuse the situation was to throw gasoline on it and blow it all up on his own terms. No one wins but everyone loses. A part of him recognised the self-destructive nature of it all, but old habits die hard and this wasn't a place to lay down and die.

_My way or the highway; until the_ very _end,_ he reminded himself.

"Is there a problem with who I'm _friends_ with, Princess?" he spat, making sure some actual spit flew out of his mouth and hit Courtney in the face, forcing her to flinch back as if struck. It was a small but important first victory in this battle.

_Time to get the ball rolling._

"Depends on your definition of _friend_ ," Courtney fired back quickly, making sure to emphasise the word 'friend' the way her boyfriend did as well as quickly wiping her face clean. "Because what I saw between you and Gwen doesn't quite fit _my_ definition."

"Have you tried picking up a dictionary to check it then?" Duncan scowled in response, showing his grit teeth. He prodded her with his index finger to drive home the point, taking pride in the fact that she flinched away yet again. "Because I'm telling you right now: Gwen and I are just friends. You want to be a lawyer, right? Maybe learn to get your facts straight first before jumping to wild conclusions!"

Courtney clearly was refusing to back down though, much to Duncan's irritation. He could see the fire in her eyes flicker slightly but remain firm and bright; she wasn't going to let up. The lawyer jab had stung from the looks of it, but it also meant her own pride flared up in angry, vicious defiance. He'd seen it before many times out on the streets; even when he looked in the mirror sometimes. If she thought she'd win in a battle of stubbornness though, she was insane. He'd been playing this game much longer than her. Still…

Why was she going on about this? How many times did he have to tell everyone that there wasn't anything going on between him and Gwen? Could a guy and a girl not just be friends nowadays? Why was it such a big deal, something that needed to be constantly pointed out? He felt like he was back in school, where some cliques lived and died by gossip. Yes, this was a show with drama in the title but did that mean everyone had to embrace it like gospel? Could they not see that this was all such utter fucking bullshit? He at least thought Courtney of all people would understand why this was all nonsense, but apparently not.

She was just like the rest of them, just another face in the crowd waiting for her moment to cut him loose and throw him to the wolves. She was just another person waiting to stab him in the back and leave him by the wayside like all the others before her.

"Friends don't star gaze together and then playfully wrestle each other on the ground!" she snapped at him, waving her arms in the air angrily. "I saw you two! I saw how close your lips were!" That elicited some gasps, though Duncan didn't see who it was and couldn't stare them to death for it. "Maybe that was your plan all along! Sabotage Trent and Gwen's relationship so you could have her all to yourself!"

Duncan resisted the urge to face-palm himself if only because he was certain he'd cave his own skull in if he did. Instead he rolled his eyes and hoped his eyeballs wouldn't fall out. He snarled angrily at the CIT before shouting back, "You're crazier than Mr. Number Nine if you think that's what happened! Elvis was the one who sent himself hurdling down the path to crazy town and _he's_ the reason he and Gwen broke up. Don't try and turn this into a conspiracy theory! Until I see video evidence of Gwen and I _fucking_ behind the trailers I don't want to hear anymore baseless accusations!"

He was absolutely livid now; livid she'd bring up such an occasion as some sort of proof that he was unfaithful or had betrayed her. He was grateful no one had witnessed the moment at the time because after everything that happened with Trent and Gwen, he wasn't sure if he could fan the flames of it all in the face of the other competitors. They'd take it in bad faith and run with it. That was always what happened.

He hoped Courtney would back down once he laid out all the evidence and explained everything. She wanted to be a lawyer, right? She should be able to see reason or at least know who was truly guilty and who wasn't. But he could already see the cogs turning in her head as she processed his words and opened her mouth to begin speaking again. She was denying reason, refusing to have any faith in him whatsoever. Why was she doing this to him? Did she want to have an argument in front of everyone? Why do this in the fucking open where everyone could see? Why couldn't she just believe him? Why wasn't his word enough?

Why did everyone hate him?

"How can I trust you after everything I saw?" Courtney growled back at him, digging her heels in like a stubborn mule refusing to do what it was told. "You're supposed to be my boyfriend and yet here we are!"

"Trust!" Duncan laughed darkly as he shoved Courtney back, much to her shock based on the expression on her face. Such a reaction only pissed him off even more because she shouldn't be surprised at all. He was just absolutely done now. Whatever sense of calm he had left collapsed like a house of cards. "You want to talk about _trust_ of all things? Fine! Let's talk about trust!"

Duncan watched as everyone took a good step back, but that was fine with him. They should be scared; they should cower in fear. If those fuckers wanted to see this then he hoped they all pissed themselves by the time he was finished. The little shits deserved it anyhow. They all needed to learn their place and understand who was at the top of the food chain – understand who towered over them. Courtney would be the first to suffer his wrath; she'd be an example to all the others to watch their backs. To be weary of what happens when you taunt a dangerous animal.

"Let's rewind the clock to the end of season one!" Duncan intoned, grinning maniacally as he began pushing Courtney back, shoving her with one single finger as a demonstration of his ultimate power. "I finished wrestling an alligator for the case of cash. An alligator! Then when I sprained my ankle, you abandoned me! You were my girlfriend and you were my partner! We were going to split the cash! We had an agreement! And again, after wrestling an alligator for you, how did you think to repay me?"

"Well…I…" His grin turned ugly. He knew he had her hook, line and sinker. She had no retort, as expected because he was in the right and she was in the wrong. He was always in the right; the world just wouldn't acknowledge it unless he forced it out. Now he just had to reel Courtney out of the water like a fish and gut her once and for all. This is how it always ended, someone thought they had a hold over him and then he tore their arm off for it. It was just like fighting on the streets, if someone threatens you, you don't _just_ fight back. You grab them by the balls and cut them off and make a scene of it to ensure everyone knows who the king of the hill is.

"Come on! Answer me, Princess! What happened to all that confidence and fuming rage you just had a minute ago? What happened to all of that?" The tide had turned completely in the delinquent's favour and he knew it. Everyone knew it. Now Courtney was the one backing up in fear as the punk advanced on her like a shark that had smelt blood. He kept up the pressure to ensure she couldn't flip the table on him as he had done.

_Never hesitate in a fight. Always press your advantage till the opponent yields or is dead on the floor._

"You betrayed me!" Duncan roared. "You left me behind to take all the cash for yourself. And now you have the _gall,_ the absolute gall to accuse _me_ of being untrustworthy because I happen to be friends with another girl! Do you not know how insane that sounds? Do you not see how crazy you're coming across right now? Gwen picked me to be on her team and Trent decided to take offence! Trent decided to throw challenges for Gwen; I had nothing to do with that! Gwen then decided to throw a challenge to make up for that, I knew nothing of it like everyone else! So tell me, tell me the part where I'm the guilty party! Tell me the EXACT fucking point where I did something wrong!" he screamed at her.

"So you're telling me you don't like her?" Courtney tried to deflect, though her words lacked the confidence from before. It was a last desperate and pathetic grasp at straws and she knew it. Her defence was sloppy at best and laughably weak at worst, especially for a wannabe lawyer. That being said, Duncan really didn't quite know how he felt about Gwen. It was enough that he had to pause for a fraction of a second to consider it all. She was his friend of course, and admittedly quite attractive – she pulled the dark loner look off well. They did have similar tastes and interests too. But because of his weird kind-of relationship with Courtney he hadn't really ever thought of Gwen as an object of romantic desire. She and Trent had been together when the season started too and she was only around for one episode after they'd broken up. Truth be told, there could probably be _something_ there but the delinquent wasn't quite sure what that something was yet. Or even if he would act on it regardless.

When had his life become so unnecessarily complicated?

"I like her as a friend!" he yelled at Courtney in the end, confident in himself at least that he knew he hadn't purposefully tried to sabotage Trent and Gwen for his own benefit. Trent could go fuck himself nine times if he insisted that was his goal. Everything that caused those two to break up had nothing to do with any action he actually took. Trent's delusions were no fault bar his own. "Are you seriously telling me I can't have any female friends? What planet are you living on?"

"I saw…you two… you…you almost kissed…I could see you wanted to…" This elicited some obvious reactions from everyone even though she'd half referenced it earlier. Perhaps the outright confirmation was what set everyone off. Duncan spared them all another quick glance, unable to avert his eyes. Beth's mouth was hanging open, Justin's eyebrow was raised even higher now, Lindsay still just seemed downright confused (no surprise there) and Owen had his hands on his head in shock. Noah oddly enough seemed to be deep in contemplation, a fact the delinquent filed away for later. Even in rage mode he liked to think his instincts were sharp. Had to be on the streets, wouldn't want to get shanked out of nowhere.

His team (if you could call it that) had their own reactions too because of course they fucking did. Harold just seemed to take this all as an excuse to hide himself further while a shit-eating grin was creeping up along Heather's face. He snapped his head around to glare at her before she could say anything and make things worse. Apparently sensing the danger, the skank wisely remained silent. There was also McLean of course; who looked like Christmas, Easter and all the other holidays had come at once for him. Duncan was surprised he wasn't frothing from the mouth at the obvious drama before him that would no doubt rake in all the views.

_Fucking reality show television._

Bringing his eyes back to the main issue at hand, Duncan could see Courtney was starting to tear up now, shaking no longer with rage but presumably with fear and frustration. Her will was crumbling to dust and it was taking an obvious emotional toll on her. She was clearly distressed and hurt; he could see the pain in her eyes. Normally he might try and comfort her or at least offer a joke to diffuse the tension.

But he couldn't care less this time. Even a supercomputer would not be able to count and process the amount of shits he did not give anymore.

She fucking deserved all of this for _daring_ to start this in front of everyone. For daring to question his loyalty and trust when she was the one to have backstabbed him in the past. He didn't care that a part of him hurt a little to see her like this, but she made her bed and now she had to lay in it. He thought she of all people would understand what happened, would see that he was innocent of the whole debacle. He thought she would understand that he was just a hapless victim who'd been caught up in some drama that he had no place in. But no, even she had turned on him in the end. His last ally was gone.

Just as it always had been - he was all alone.

He watched her suddenly turn heel and storm off, not willing to let the cameras capture her in this state any further apparently. Truth be told, Duncan felt the same even if she did deserve the humiliation that would no doubt come her way. That being said, he felt rotten to the core – a mix of anger and disgust at everyone and everything including himself. He wanted to leave but felt rooted to the spot, almost contemplating falling to his knees and cursing out God for doing this to him. This had been a terrible day in a history of terrible days for him. He had to resist the temptation to storm off after Courtney and continue the argument just to let off some more anger, but he knew that wouldn't accomplish anything. He had won and it was over…for now. Hollow victory at best but a win was a win. You take what you get on the streets and run with it.

"So…" McLean interrupted suddenly as he stepped forward with his shit stain of a smile. "We're going to have a half hour break for everyone to cool off. Team Grips can enjoy their loot and now might also be a good time for everyone to use the confessional to voice their opinions on everything that's happened in this episode thus far. I'll see you guys in a bit. Jolly good show everyone," he taunted with a light applause.

His clapping sounded like gunshots going off or bombs dropping on a war-zone, condemning soldiers to their gruesome fate. He felt dizzy, sick and nauseas fittingly enough, like he really was lost and all alone on a battlefield waiting for death to swallow him up once and for all. Maybe it would be better if it did…

The urge to punch someone or something till his knuckles bled had never been so strong but he wouldn't give in to those dark thoughts no matter how enticing they may have seemed. Everyone here would get their just desserts in time when he sent them packing and claimed the reward money. That was why he was here after all, and he'd never been more determined to win it till now. He watched as the bastard of a host walked off, giggling to himself whilst the other competitors watched him quietly, apparently waiting to see if he'd say or do anything else.

He wouldn't give them the pleasure of anything though. This wasn't some stupid show for their amusement. He wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of flipping the bird, instead he remained stone-faced as he walked off, deciding to go somewhere where he could be alone and calm himself down. Anywhere would be better than here after all.

_"Jeez…I don't know…Duncan?"_

He wished Gwen had never picked him to be on her team.

**Author's Note:**

> So, long first chapter but that's because this all is the inciting incident and it sets everything up with Noah and his mindset. I will be taking some creative liberties when it comes to canon too but I'll try not to deviate to huge extents. Also, before anyone yells at me, I don't hate Duncan/Courtney, I actually like the ship, but for this story to work such an argument had to occur here. Also, it's a good first instance of this fic more seriously dealing with these people as characters. The tension from the Season One special is never addressed in canon, so here, when they're forced onto a team, it all comes spilling out. Anyways, if you have any questions or thoughts feel free to leave a comment. Thanks for reading everyone and I'll see you in the next chapter (only God knows whenever that will be lol).


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